Whatever!!

We walked further into the cave and Wedge and Hue got totally jacked by an undead ghost bear.  CLASSIC!  They were like “What the?” and the ghost bear was like “Chomp … SUCK” and then they were like “I’m so weak.  I need help Omian.”    Dismass was like “I cast Shield!” Hue finally manned up and killed the thing.  I SO wish I could have dominated that bear.  I would have called it Beary.

We had to squeeze through a tight hole to continue.  It is not the tight hole Wedge wishes he was in but it was the only one at his disposal.  As Dismass got to the end, this huge undead skeleton ooze jumped out and ate him.  Well, it didn’t really eat him.  More like crawled over him and then Omian and did the jello dance on them.  They just floated around inside it holding their breath.  The rest of the group ran back as fast as possible but not me.  An undead ooze with a skeleton inside? AWESOME!  I so dominated the thing.  Called it sweet pea.  I pulled it off of them and played with it for a bit as the others rinsed off.  I think I heard Omain shooting sludge out of his nose for the next hour.

Next we ran into a group of undead (SCORE!) in this big chamber.  I still had sweet pea so I really could not get any of them under my control.  I also could not get to the undead because no one would move up.  They just stood there as the undead got into position.  At least I think that is what happened because I COULDN’T SEE!!!  I was stuck in the back.  I sent Sweet pea up so at least someone would challenge the undead group.  Ugh.  Get your sword up and start swinging people!

Sweet pea didn’t last long. At least I don’t think he did.  (I COULD’T SEE CAUSE NO ONE WAS MOVING!)  I was able to dominate some of the undead now at least.  And I would have to if I COULD SEE THEM!  I almost got dizzy from all my eye rolling.  

I guess great minds think alike as next Wedge and Hue (of course those two) got dominated by the lead undead guy.  Omain was like “Hurry Bella.  Back out.”  Dismass was like “I use my wand of mirror image.”   After I ran out Omain was like “Nevermind Bella.  Come back.”  Dismass was Like “Give her your feather so she can touch Wedge.”  I then had this feather shoved in my hand and was told to hit wedge with it.  I already had a feather but… whatever.  I used Omian’s.  After they were free they finally ran out and started fighting the bad guys.  Imagine that.  You hit something with a weapon… it dies… Who would have thought?

We left the cave and these annoying birds took a magic dump on Omian.  He was like “Huh?  Ouch… Bleed.”  He healed up and I knocked one around because I rock.  They then crapped on Omain again and he was like “Huh? Ouch... Bleed”  Wedge and Hue just looked at it.  Ugh… Boys can be so useless… Dismass was like “ I cast Shield.” I blew em up with a fireball and ended it.

The next day these undead jumped us.  I think one yelled “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”   We were then swarmed by all these undead.  It was so like Christmas!

I dominated a dead dog thing.  Named it ball sniffer.  It looked like it was going to be an easy battle. Then more undead came.  I think I heard wedge crap his pants.   I think I heard someone cast shield or mirror image but.. whatever.  I cast a fireball and burned the undead to a crisp (and maybe some of us as well).  We ended the fight soon after and I had a new pet specter named Martin.  

We arrived back at the druid “paradise”.  The group felt we should get rid of Martin as the druids would not like it wandering around their precious woods.  Fine. Whatever.  We walked around for a bit and got jacked by some big cats.  Dismass was like “I cast SH..” that is all he got out before is head was in the tigers mouth.  Hue was down and being tossed around like cat nip.  “don’t kill it” they yelled to me.  Ugh.  Don’t kill the cat that is killing you.  Got it.  I will mark that down in my combat tactics section.  I busted one up with a huge freezing touch.  I was like “WHACK” and the cat was like “please don’t hurt me!”  I was so going to eat one of those tigers for dinner but the whine fest started anew.  A lame druid jumped out the fleeing cats butt and was like“how dare you hurt my cat that was eating you.”  I guess dinner would have to wait.  

Whatever!

The druids invited us to their hippy gathering. So lame. Wedge was totally jonsing on the head druid lady. He was like “hey babycakes.” He was scratching his butt at the time! I thought she was going to smack him but she gave him a come hither look. He was then like “Sniff” and he sniffed his butt scratch finger! So gross. The smile stayed on the hippy lady’s face and she still come hithered him. Unbelievable! Desperate much?

I thought she was totally going to play a joke on him so I said nothing. Boys. I swear. Always thinking with their swords! I stayed behind and cooked a hella good meal. The rangers were all like “this is the best food EVA!” and I was like “Oh yea! I’m that good!”

Omian was scrubbing some healing from the druids. Yea. These losers were sure to help us. Hue was doing pushups in an attempt to woo the rangers. I think he swang that way as most rangers were men. I’m not judging though.

UGH! Why do men always think with their swords????

We then were told that the hippy ceremony was about to begin. Wedge still had not returned yet so I was uneasy going to the ceremony. I was expecting a grand joke at his expense when we arrived but he wasn’t there. I started to think about casting some spells just in case, but then this pitiful little albino white arm popped out of some tree and sucker punched the druid lady in the face. There was Wedge!

The druids stopped humping their trees and the Rangers behind us were like, “time to die!” Then we got jumped by about a 100 people all at once. Wedge was tossed down into a man eating tree. The army of 200 people surrounded us and were like “wur gonna get yous!” I cast a fly spell to get to higher ground. Dismas and Omian got grabbed by some tree vines and were pulled into the forest. Omian was like “ POW!” He used some sonic attack as he disappeared into the woods. He screamed so loud as he disappeared. The pitch was impressive. Louder than the squeal of a little girl! Hue was like “ cursmack. Pow. Bam. And he killed three of the rangers dogs. He also said “look at my sword!” and the rest of the 250 people ran off into the forest. I flew to the tree that was eating wedge. I saw it shudder a few times and assumed that was from all the filth and stench on wedge. I shudder down wind from him as well. I hit it with a spell, but then saw all the rangers run back in saying “Wait a minute. He just showed us his sword. Why we scared?” I cast Wall of ice to stop them from coming back in and they were like “hey, that is not fair.” The tree eating Wedge died soon after and the druids got all scared and ran off. Next a big stick thing popped out of the ground and was like “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my tree thing, prepare to die!”

Wedge got out with some elven chick with him. I heard dismass out side of the forest. I flew above the tree line and started zapping the tree that had Omain. Omian was still using his sonic scream attack. So impressed!

I hit the tree again a few time and saw the spirit of Hue flying off. The rest of us flew out of the forest and met back up. When I saw wedge (he was still naked) I used my spectral hand to whack him in the nuts and used the last charge on my calcific touch. I was like “If you EVER do that again your SWORD with be permanently hard!” He was like “whimper”

Boys… Whatever.

(look up calcific touch if you forgot what it does  )

That was so, like, awesome.

Hovering in the air together, the group watches as the 80 foot tall stick giant demolishes the druid grove, tearing trees from the ground and snapping them in two or hurling them 100 yards into the desolation. At one point, it stops and shivers oddly while standing among the trees, and you see the leaves and other foliage shredded like paper by a cloud of thorns or splinters that spew in every direction from the giant's body. Even from afar, it seems to notice the group, as indicated by a huge piece of slaughtered quickwood that comes hurtling at you all. The spells that bear you aloft don't last long, mere minutes, so at that point you decide to leave it to act out its anger on something besides yourselves. Waiting quietly in the concealment of the bonedust, thicker now than ever, you all hear the hollow roars of the stick giants fury and the ground rumbles at his stomping. Eventually, nearly an hour later, you can hear it wander off into the Desolation.

The idea comes to search the area for anything that could be recovered. However, the question is where do you search and for how long?

We explored the fallen oasis for a while to see if anything good was left behind. The more we explored it the more our blood boiled from those losers trying to sacrifice us to their lame wannabe god. We scryed them for a few days and came up with a plan to jump them.

I teleported all but Dismass over them. Dismass stayed behind because we were only doing guerilla hit and run tactics. We didn’t have time for wand warfare. We were invisible thanks to me but a few of the animal’s smelled wedge when we arrived. TAKE. A. BATH. You know what they say. Once you get that sent into your nose, it is impossible to forget.

But whatever. We moved back before they could pinpoint our location and TOTALLY jacked them up. They were like “please have mercy on us. “ And we were like “KABLAM!” And they were like dying and stuff. Totally rocked. We left before they knew what was happening and planned to take out a few more tomorrow.

We teleported above the female ranger and she was all indignant. She was like “yea. Five on one is totally fair.” I was like “and 100 to five was fair when you had the odds on your side?” The group was like “she’s so pretty. We have to forgive her. She left the ranger group. She is trying to redeem herself.”

I was like “She didn’t leave the group. They were scared and kicked her out as they knew would use her to find them. If she was a decent person, she would have warned you about the druids when she was traveling with you. She could have left the rangers anytime she was leading a group. She only kept you alive in the bone storm so she could eat you later!!!!” She has no redeeming qualities. The group needs to stop getting their panties bunched up and make the hard decisions. When someone tries to kill you, DO NOT LET THEM LIVE TO TRY AGAIN! This gnome kills someone named Bikto who was traveling with them. They let the gnome live. The woman rangers group kills Hue. They let her live. They keep talking about clearing out the desolation but they keep letting the evil people live. UGH!

Whatever. Next we helped this ugly spider think kill this other ugly spider thing. These baby giant spiders came out and we destroyed them. We went down in this hole and destroyed more baby spider giants. The momma got real pissed at us and was like “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my baby giant spider things. Prepare to die!” She was putting a hurting on the new guy with guns and wedge. I was turning her to stone. She was like “KAPOWE!” and wedge was like “Bleed.” He had gashes and blood spurts all over him. (awesome). Dismass went behind Wedge and put a small band aid on Wedge with a wand (go figure). Omian went up and healed wedge and got jacked up himself. Omian went back out of range again and Wedge got whacked again. Dismass was there with another band aid.

We eventually took her down and looted the huge spider things lair. I think we’re going to a new area of the desolation tomorrow. We need to rescue someone from something somewhere. It is not a lot to go on but… whatever.

We hired some new people for the group. Never thought I would be here longer than others. We decided to head into the Chaos Rift. Because of the word “RIFT” I was glad I had my boots of flying. A few others prepared and were able to fly or SSLLOOWWLLYYY walk down the walls of the rift. I had to waste a third level spell so Wakko could get down.

When we got to the edge a bunch of griffin looking things flew out and were like “were so hungry. Let us eat you.” We were like “Eat this” and killed them. They were tasty.

Later that day some demon thing tried to drag me up into the air. OOHHH so scared. I had boots of flying… DUH! If I got to close I could just teleport back down again. UUUGGH! It ended up teleporting off. Wedge was like “See. you should have dimensional anchor.” I was like “{Shot him the bird.}”

We then went down into the main rift and looked around a bit. Some gargoyles flew out and were like “look. Fresh Meat.” We were like “whatever” and pulverized them. We heard a few more arguing on a ledge about whether they wanted to attack us or not so I was like “I’m so out of spells. Whatever will we do?” I totally bluffed them into flying down. They started to attack and I was like “{darth vader squeeze}” on the things neck and suffocated it to death. So awesome!

We destroyed that group and the new guy with the hard to pronounce name (he will be called jack from now on) walked up the 100 foot wall to place a grappling hook so the rest (who did not have such stylish skull flying boots like mine) could get up. Oh yea. Forgot to mention that the dude always seems to have dirt flying around him. So annoying. Like… take a bath dude!

When he got up (alone) he was jumped by a bunch of gargoyles. Then gargoyles started pouring out of everywhere. Wakko went up to help Jack but he couldn’t see anything through all of jacks B.O. that was flying around. Wakko walked out of the cloud and like 8 gargoyles spit acid loogies on him. He was like “ouch!” and ran back into the B.O. cloud. They then flew into the cloud and tried to attack Jack and Wakko. Wakko was like “Take this and this and this and this” and was firing at them even though they were right on him. They totally missed him though. He then worked his way along the ledge to get out of Jack’s B.O. cloud and help us as we were getting swarmed. Poor Omian had like 8 on him. They were like “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my gargoyle army. Prepare to die.” Omian was like “{insert girlish scream here}”. He was not able to heal anyone else as he was busy trying to survive. I will admit that Omian is pretty handy to have around. The old man can really take a beating.

I did what I could but I had burned through my fireballs so I was taking them out one at a time by breaking their bones and darth vadering them to death. I wonder if I could have turned the gargoyle to stone. Hmmm.. Maybe next time. We were able to pull it out and won the against the 1000 or so gargoyles that attacked us. Up on the ledge is a giant boulder that is someone set to block a path as something is back there they were terrified of. Oh… we also found a caravan survivor. They were pretty gross looking but we healed them up to make them all nice and pretty again. We left Jack and Wakko in a rope trick and teleported the survivor back to Bards Gate where we also planned to sell some of this sweet loot.

Wedge and I teleported back to Wakko and Jack the next day and brought them back to Bards Gate as well. I was hoping that Jack would take the time to bathe using the endless water decanter but he didn’t. UUGGH.. whatever.

12/21/13
We teleported back to the camp and were immediately accosted by the towns street life.  All the kids were like “our head urchin was accused of stealin stuff like urchins do and was like dragged out of town.”  This was the girl urchin that the others hired to help at the inn.  

I was like “Ugh…” The others were like “we have to save her Bella.  She must be totally innocent.” I was like “whatever.”  They were taking her out to some cages in the ashen waste so Wakko followed the tracks.  

We found the dead bodies of the punks that took the kid.  Something had a nice, albet unwashed meal… Wakko noticed that the girl’s tracks ran off, but seemed to be chased by something.  We noticed some gargoyles flying off in the distance.  Wedge and I were like “FIREBALL!”  I of course killed them better.

Wakko then started to follow the girl’s tracks again.  They led into the Boiling Lands.  I was like “The Boiling lands?  Really?”   The group was like “She is so young and innocent and really needs our help Bella.  We cannot save her without your awesome power to guide us!”  I was like “She made it this far by herself…”  Ugh… The Boiling Lands sound so NOT fun… Wedge’s body oder is not going to be pleasant.  Fine.  We went.

Acid rain hit us not long after.  Ugh…  I hate the Boiling lands.  Fricken urchin will pay when I find her.  We came upon a crevice and Wakko went to the edge to look over it.  A hydra was down there.  Before I got to act, some Baslisk with a second head on its butt came out and turned me to stone.  I don’t remember the rest of the fight because I was like stone and all.  From what I hear, Wedge and Wakko also turned to stone.   Omian and the new guy took care of em.  This girl kept going further into the boiling lands… Come on people… she obviously likes it here…

We came upon a land with geysers and mud pits.  Omian kept finding out about not standing over the geyser to long the hard way.   I thought it was funny.   All of a sudden these mud men popped out of the mud pits and were like “were gonna  throw our mud crap on you!”  A bunch of the boys got hit with the mud.  It slowed them down and was hilarious.  Soon some air mephitis appeared and shot a geyser  straight up my butt.  Ugh… fricken urchins gonna pay.  I dominated the one that hit me with my superior awesomeness.  The others ran off after Wakko took another out.  

We kept following the tracks of the urchin who will be my next meal.  We came upon a young tentacle beast.  As a proper lady, I like, don’t do tentacles.  I destroyed it.  We followed the tracks further because the boys don’t know when to stop.  We found more tentacle beasts and an iron golem stuck in the mud.  It was like “Help. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” I was like whatever and killed the tentacle beasts because I’m awesome like that.  Some bigger things popped out of the mud and were like “ we eat puny humans!”  The group was like “die” and they did.  

The girls tracks ended at the mud.  She was gone. Probably fell in or got eaten or something.  Serves her right for running into this place.  Hello.. its name is the BOILING LANDS!!!  Ugh… maybe we should look for her some more.. another day  maybe..  In case Wakko can find the tracks again… Or maybe Omian can scry for her... Fricken urchin… Whatever.

1/11/14

So we decided to head to Tzar today.  I was like whiz and teleported us a few miles away.  I was like “LET’S STORM THE CASTLE!” and the rest of the group was like, “no bella…  we should explore the outer walls first.  Maybe if we walk around them 7 times the walls will fall!” I was like, “whatever.”  

We started walking around the walls and some ghouls lit something on fire.  Not an obvious trap there or anything.  They were running around in a field of tar pits so we flew after them.  A big tar dragon flew out and was like “I WANT TO EAT THE CLERIC. Cleric taste GOOOD! NOM NOM NOM.”  He then puked amber on me and I was like “…”

Even though I couldn’t breathe Wedge stood there admiring my body for a while because it’s fantastic like that.  After a while he managed to help get me out .  My hand was still stuck so casting was difficult.  Finally my righteous anger helped me get my hand free with a flick on my middle finger at the dragon.  

Wedge then teleported us closer to the new guy who was biting and kicking the dragon… Ugh.. Boys..  

Wedge was in a large form so I couldn’t teleport us away.  I cast an ice dome over us to give him time to shrink (little boys do that HA!). The dragon jumped on top and was like “enjoy drowning in the tar sucka’s!” and we were like “opps.”  I still managed to teleport us away and save us yet again because I am awesome like that.  

We returned the next day and the dragon was like “The cleric is mine!”  We were like “Die” and he did.

The group was like “OK.  Let’s go to the front gate now, which is what I wanted to do in the first place… whatever.

1/18/14

We flew over the gates of Tzar and were attacked by some sand filled undead. They were kind of boring and slow. We took em out but the new guy kept getting sand squirted in his eyes. Screamed like a girl. Totally worth it.

We kept going and Wakko was like “ouch” and had arrows sticking out of him. They came from this tower over there. I dimensioned doored us into the bottom of the tower because I rock. More boring sacks of sand. We took em out fast. I even controlled some and made them do belly flops off the winding staircase. Awesome. We got to the top and found out the tower was a giant construct and it kept tossing wedge into the new guys armor spikes. I would have laughed if Wedge wasn’t bleeding so much. We knew the face in the roof was the focus for the spell so the boys started whacking at it. It collapsed on wedge and the new guy.

As we were digging them out, Wakko went down to search for secret doors. He found one and started acting weird. Not like his cowardly self. I thought he was being controlled by someone else or something… He opened the trap door and ran off by himself. I was like “No come back!” He was like “HA HA HA! Never!”

Wedge on top of the collapsed tower started being hit by some muscle looking undead things with arrows. He dove for cover. We finally got the new guy unburied and the new guy started flying toward the tower we were not going to. Alone.. against 24 of them… alone. Ugh.. Boys.

I dimensioned doored us right to the other tower and wedge, Omian and I took them out real quick. It was mostly me with my fireballs because.. well, you know (I rock). Wakko showed up when we were almost done and took out a few hurt ones. I swear. If he stayed with us he would have been there sooner… UGH.

We then flew over to the other one and saved the new guys hide. After that we teleported back to the inn at the camp.

We teleported back to the inn and I was like, “What the hell?” My brother and his team were there. He was reclining back with his feet up on our new tar dragon head smoking his cigar.


“Where the HELL have you been you jerk?” I yelled and stomped over to him. He smiled and gave me a wink.


He was like “been in the Chaos Rift. Looking for Elder Judas” he said to me with a reserved smile.


(Bella’s backstory describes an attack on her people by necromancers. Her parents died in the attack. One of Bella and her brothers elders (Judas) had betrayed their group and fed the necromancers information.)


He just sat there with that same smile on his face puffing on his damn cigar. I tapped my foot waiting for him to continue but I knew he wouldn’t. He knew I was waiting and was messing with me because he sucks like that.


Finally I was like, “And what did you do to him?”


He was like “I tucked him into a bed I dug and wrapped him up in six feet of my crap…” he said as his team started high fiving and laughing.


He stood up and walked over to me, hands on his hips. “While on my mission I thought I would check up on you and see how you were doing and what did I see Bella?”


I was like “shrug.”


“I saw you in the Ashen Waste fighting a giant spider. What are you doing out here? And please don’t tell me that you were attempting to find me to tag along.”


I was like “I was looking for you to tag along!”


“And where should you be?” he asked puffing on his cigar.


I was like “shrug.”


“You turned 18 a month ago. You are late for your ritual.”


I was like “Ugh. That stupid thing? It’s so lame!”


He started getting all serious calling it the sacred ritual of our people and blah blah blah.


He must have seen me roll my eyes so he pulled me aside. He went on and on about how it honors our parents and stuff. I knew he was right but the ritual would be so boring.


I had one last trick up my sleeve. Bluffing. I was like “well my friends would die if I’m not with them. If you want me to go back, I need you to look after them for me.”


I knew I was getting to him because he was like “I aint no BABYSITTER Bella.” I just raised my eyebrows and tapped my foot. He was about to cave and let me stay when I smirked. Why did I smirk? He always see’s through my bluff when I smirk.


He laughed under his breath and was like “All right Bella. I’ll babysit your friends until you finish the ritual.” He said puffing on his cigar. “It'll be like boot camp for them. Take my team back with ya” he said giving me a wink goodbye.


Ugh. Ouch. “Sorry guys. I have a thing I have to take care of. This is my brother. He'll be with you until I get back.” Wedge started balling like a baby yelling “Don’t go bella.” I was like, “teleport.”

(We can assume Bella could have taken him to Tsar so he can learn the location for his own teleport magic.)